dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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