I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
