You just made me feel so damn special
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
