the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
