u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
