yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
