Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
