so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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