ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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