so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
