Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
