do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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