is your mom at the bar?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
