hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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