I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
