I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
