i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
