I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
