I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
