I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The best revenge is premature balding
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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