I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
