I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
