Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
