Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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