So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize