so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
