I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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