a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
