Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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