We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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