I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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