i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
