My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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