I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
