How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
