I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
