are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
