On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
