Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
