Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
