My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
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