Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
