He uses pillows to masturbate.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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