There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
