All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
