Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
