If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize