Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
