I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
