You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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