I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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