everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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