if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
