ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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