I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize