Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
