i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
