he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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